This thing called Love...
Category: Stories

Age 9:

"Why did you marry him?"

The words left Juno's lips before he could stop them, Mariko finding pause in her baking to tilt her head up and stare at her child.

"What?" She laughed, a single brow popping upwards as she tried to understand the question. "What do you mean?"

Juno knew he shouldn't push it, should just keep quiet. But his curiosity was too much. "I mean Dad! Why did you marry him? He's so mean..." 

"Oh, Juno. He's not that mean." Mariko would say, shaking her head and turning her attention to the dough stretched across the table. Dark strands of hair fell from her high bun, curving around her pale face in a perfect frame. Above her left eye was a small, fresh scar she claimed she had gotten when she ran into an open cabinet door, but Juno didn't believe that. As clumsy as his mother was, she didn't usually maim herself in her mistakes.

He didn't respond, just frowning as he stared at her and her unsatisfying answer. A long silence followed, Juno pouting the whole time, before his mother finally huffed and shook her head.

"We were young." Juno sat up in his seat, staring wide-eyed now with his hands folded ever so patiently in his lap. "So, so young." A small, sad smile graced her lips, her delicate hands slowing in the motion of kneading the dough while her mind fetched some far-forgotten memory. "I thought I had found the love of my life. Before him, I was with this nasty boy. You remember, I told you about him? Taka?" Juno nodded quickly, making a face to show his recollection. "Just awful. He would call me names, make fun of me, pressure me to do things I didn't want to--."

"What kind of things?" Juno's brows furrowed in worry.

"Oh, don't you worry about that now." Mariko laughed, reaching out to tuck a strand of stubborn hair behind her son's ear. "You'll understand when you're older." Juno pouted. He hated hearing that excuse. But he kept quiet anyway and let her go on. She paused a moment, then continued. "He was just bad. And I wanted out. We had gotten married, so escaping him wasn't that easy, but I ran away. I packed up only the things I could carry and I ran as far away as I could. And that's what lead me here."

Juno squirmed in his seat. He had already heard this story before, he wanted the answer to his question!

"We got divorced long-distance. It was a great pain for me, coming here all alone. I left my family behind, my friends. I ran away from them all because I was frightened of what he would do to me if he ever found me." Mariko sighed and folded the dough, placing it off to the side to proof. She crossed around the table and knelt down in front of Juno, taking one of his hands in her own. "I was scared, Juno. I had my passport, but could easily be sent back hoome at a moments notice, and I couldn't have that." 

She smiled and met his gaze, reaching a hand out to carress his chubby cheeks, still plump with babyfat. "I met your father shortly after that. Ibrahim." Her eyes twinkled with the memory. "Strong, large, strapping young man. He was so charming and personable, he came into my work nearly everyday just to talk to me. He was the kind of man I had always admired, I had always wanted to marry. My first husband... Ah, he didn't stand a chance against Ibrahim! He was tall, strong and had all these muscles!" She made flexing motions and exagerated noises, drawing a laugh from her audience. "Once I got the chance to see him knock Taka's lights out, oohh, it was amazing!" She chirpped in Japanese, her eyes sparkling as she clapped her hands together at the memory.

It was a lovely moment, transforming into a story he hadn't heard before, and he was 100-percent inveseted. But her attitude shifted. Her eyes fell and her smile faded a bit as she fell back to sit on her heels folded beneath her. 

"That's just the thing, though." She continued, looking down at their now clasped hands. "He was so magnificent and heroic, I didn't even paused to think about whether or not we were truly compatible. We were completely infatuated with each other. And so... we rushed into it."

So that's why. Juno thought about it silently, comparing the actions of them both that he'd seen.

"But I don't regret it."

Juno looked up to meet her eyes, his head tilting curiously. "Wh... What do you mean?"

"I -mean-..." She smiled and combed his hair affectionately. "If I had never married you father, I would never have had you! And you are, without a doubt, the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!" She threw her arms out and wrapped them around Juno, squeezing the life out of him while she cooed. "Oooooh! You're just so cute, I love you so so so so so much Juno!!"

The boy squeaked and struggled in her grasp, trying to squirm away from the cage-like grip. 

"I don't know -what- I would do without you!" They tussled a bit longer, Mariko holding him close while Juno tried to escape this unwarranted affection. After some time, she finally let go and Juno huffed stubbornly and fixed his glasses. "But, seriously though." She smiled and folded her hands beneath her chin. "I want you to listen to me, okay?"

Juno nodded, still invested in whatever she had to say. 

"I know that you have said before that you don't like people, that you aren't interested in girls or boys, or any of that romance stuff, but..." She smiled and pet the top of his head. "You will be, one day. Maybe it will just be one person, and maybe it will be many, but you will care about some one person so so so much one day. Someone who wants to make you be a better person, and who wants to be a better person for you. Whoever they are, they will be very lucky. And you make sure to value them with all your heart, okay? And whenever you feel the longing to throw caution to the wind and spend the rest of your lives together, remember to keep your head about you and think rationally. Don't do anything just because you're feeling lonely. Learn from your dear, old mom, okay? I love you so much, and don't you love me?"

"O-Of course I do..."

"Well, I'm not going to be here forever. So, please, try to learn to love other people too. For my sake. I don't want to look down on you and see you living an unhappy, unfulfilling life! Be true to -you-, Juno."

"W-Why are you being so morbid!?" Juno's eyes widened, suddenly struck with fear. "A-Are you going somewhere? Are you leaving us?! D-Don't leave us!" He threw himself forward and wrapped her in his own tight hug, highly disturbed by this news.

"Oh, darling, no!" Mariko laughed, seeing the flaw in her speech now. "Oh no baby, no no no, I'm not going anywhere." She tried to control her laughter, but couldn't resist feeling bad and letting it fall. "I'm not going anywhere. No, you can count on me. I'll be here a good, long while. Another thirty years, at least! You can count on me for that."


------



Age 19:


"You feel something for someone. And it’s real, so you just get it. How could I not wait for you?"

He made it sound so reasonable. Like the most logical thing in the world.

"You have to know, you bring the best there is out of me. I’m motivated to be a better version of me, just by being around you."

Is that what she meant...? Did he even dare to get his hopes up? It was true, without a doubt, that every time they were together, Shiro always made him want to be a better person. To act better, to talk better, to perform better around others. He wanted to be someone that Shiro was proud of, that he could look to and say, 'Yep! That's my boyfriend.' Did he feel the same way?

Juno thought about it for a good long while later that night as he stared at the ceiling looming above them both. "You bring the best there is out of me." Was that true? He didn't really have a frame of reference to tell. All he could do was compare Shiro to the old version of himself he had encountered in highschool. But even then, that version was as perfect as he could ever imagine. Even before he had started to catch feelings, he had always admired the athlete. 

Mostly. 

Sometimes it had irked him, but that was more to do with the obnoxious company he had kept than any of the things he had personally done himself. Everyone loved Shiro. He had been envious of that. But not really in the way many had thought, more that he just wished he could be so honest and earn respect that easily. 

But now... God, he just adored every bit of him. And he dared to hope that maybe, just maybe, this really was that love she had always talked about. And you make sure to value them with all your heart, okay? He couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else, ever. 

"I was almost sad I didn’t get to know you earlier. Good thing I kissed you that day, too."

Juno smiled in the darkness, a soft brush of pink spreading over his face. His head turned and he watched Shiro's sleeping form. The slow rise and fall of his chest, the peace he felt just by being there. This wasn't fake. And this surely wasn't something that could be replicated with someone else.  No one else had the ability to calm his heart the way that Shiro did. 



--------



Age 22:




"Why are you so GODDAMNED stubborn?!" 

There was a strike of fist slamming into the wall, creating an indention in the hopeless plaster and drywall that didn't stand a chance against Ibrahim's fists. 

"I thought we had been over this already. He is GONE. Gone, Juno. And he isn't coming back. He's abandonded you."

"No he hasn't!!" Juno's throat burned from the yell that tore out of him. He rarely ever felt the need to raise his voice and immediately knew that this would only cause him more heartache, but he couldn't help it. To sit here and listen to Shiro's name be tarnished like this, to hear these lies repeated over and over again. It killed him. "He's only gone because of you."

"Then why, pray tell me, has he not come for you? We're not hiding you, Juno. It has been three years and still, no call. No visit. If he wanted to see you, he would. Your name is everywhere, I have made you so beyond public that people you don't even know are calling to meet with you. He has every opprotunity."

"N... No. No, that's a lie. You-- You've tricked him, a-and me! It's just a ploy!"

"No, Juno, it's not." Ibrahim sounded so reasonable. Despite the outburst mere moments ago, his voice was calm and collected. "You know why he hasn't contacted you? Because he realizes that I'm right. What you two had, wasn't natural."

Juno struggled to find words, to disprove him and throw it back in his face, but he had no evidence. Maybe they were blocking his number, or denying him access. That was likely, there were stakeouts on every corner of their living quarters, it wasn't impossible to believe. But then again, he had no proof. And even if Shiro had reached out, there was no telling under what circumstances he'd be coming from. He might not have because it was dangerous, or that he knew he wouldn't get through, or... something...

"It wasn't wrong." The words fell almost silently from his mouth. Between the anger and the fear, he wasn't sure what else he could say. "There was nothing wrong with what we were doing. We didn't hurt anyone! And I... I love him."

"So you truly do not see anything wrong then. Nothing wrong with two boys kissing?'

"No. Who cares? Who cares?!? It's my business, not y0urs!"

"Oh, Juno... It's even worse than I had thought."

"Huh..?"

"I didn't want to have to do this to you." Ibrahim heaved a sigh, his eyes hardening with a cold shield. "But I'm afraid you give me no other choice."

"Wh... What are you talking about?"

Ibrahim took the phone from his pocket and silently dialed in a number.

"H-Hey! What are you talking about?? D-Don't just ignore me!!"

"Doctor Côté? It's me. I'm afraid it is as we both feared, and I am in need of your assitance."

"What are you talking about?!" He couldn't stop this fear rising up in him, the sudden drop of his heart as he came to realize slowly that things were about to take a drastic turn. "Who was that? Doctor Côté?? Who is that?"

"Someone who can help you. You aren't right in the head, Juno. You need his help."

"I... I don't want it. I don't... I..."



------



Age 23:


Maybe what he had felt back then wasn't really love. Maybe they were right. Maybe he was messed up in the head. Maybe she had just been wrong. Maybe the pain just wasn't worth it all... Maybe, even now, after everything, it was just time to give up.



--------



Age 24:



“The hotel has several bars,” he said, meeting Juno’s eye. “Meet me at the smallest, after your presentation. I’ll wait as long as it takes.”

Was that a dream...? Had he imagined it? It still didn't make sense. They had said he was gone, he had left and abandonded him and all hope of ever seeing him again. They had told him Shiro had become disgusted with their actions and how they had behaved. So... Why...? If that were the case, wouldn't he have turned away and frowned, scoffing at Juno as if he were nothing more than left over mud at the bottom of his shoe? 

But... He didn't. Shiro met his gaze. He spoke to him, even touched his arm to stop him from leaving. He... didn't look disgusted. He looked surprised, maybe even hopeful? It was hard to tell, his face was similar to stone now. But even now, after the last two years of pure torture he had been through, all the series of images and the voices and the pain -- he shouldn't have wanted to go. He should have just shook it off and moved on. That's what they had said would happen. So why. Why was he feeling hopeful...?


----


“These last few years, tell me how they have been for you.” 

Was that... care? Concern? Despite the odds, he had come out as he was told and met with Shiro, and what he met there was not at all what he had expected. Shiro had changed, but he also hadn't at the same time. His mannerisms and expressions had shifted, his word count was fewer, but Juno could still see the care in his heart. The expressions came more carefully and he could see that he was cherry-picking his words, but the warmth was still easy to feel. 

This was not at all what he had been told would happen. Shouldn't he be yelling by now? Growing angry with him, pointing fingers and throwing accusations? Or, at the very least, blaming him for feeling the way they had all those years ago? It was his fault, after all. ... Wasn't it?

The facade was fading. Two and a half years of lies starting to crumble.

Of course they were lying. What else could he have possibly expected? They hadn't even so much as seen Shiro over the years, much less spoken to him. Those words they had said were of their own making, not actually his. God. How could he have been so naive as to actually believe them all?

Two years ago he had decided to plunge his heart into an icy depth of cold captivity. A solid wall six feet thick, held by lock and key that no one had any hope of pentrating. No one was allowed in, not again. No one would put him through that hellscape ever, ever again.

But now, he had lost the key. 

He had to be careful now. If he didn't, another visit to Dr. Côté was inevitable. 

"You... You shouldn’t be here. It’s too dangerous." The words fell from his mouth, his mind flashing to the consequences of the things Shiro would surely be admitted to if he didn't run now. 

"Regardless of what the future holds, try and forgive yourself for the past. I don’t blame you for any of it. I never have."

So that's where the key went.

Be true to -you-, Juno.

This was... so dangerous...



... He wanted to cave again.